> The Bible Is Rickrolling You: 6 Things Jesus Won't Do

Somebody dropped this in the group chat like it was a devotional and I almost choked on my coffee.

The Bible is full-on rickrolling you. Rick Astley wrote the New Testament and the Holy Spirit just nodded along. Here are the six things Jesus will never do, complete with "verses" that half the time don't even exist in the form your aunt posts them:

1. Give you up (Isaiah 54:10)
2. Let you down (Romans 5:58)
3. Turn around and leave you (Deuteronomy 31:6)
4. Ignore your tears (Psalm 56:8)
5. Say goodbye (Isaiah 41:10)
6. Tell a lie and hurt you (John 14:6 energy, take your pick)

That's the whole chorus. Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

Your youth pastor played the track at lock-in in 2008 and nobody noticed the theology was just a 1987 pop song with Bible stickers slapped on it. Romans 5:58 doesn't even exist. Romans chapter 5 ends at verse 21. Somebody freestyled a citation and the whole Christian internet just went "amen" and shared it with a sunset background.

The bit still works because the actual verses they are mangling are pretty solid. Isaiah 54 is the mountains may depart but my covenant of peace will not. Deuteronomy 31 is the Lord your God goes with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you. Psalm 56 is God putting your tears in his bottle. John is the way, the truth, and the life. Real comfort texts. Then some absolute unit decided to arrange them so Jesus sounds exactly like a British dude in a trench coat promising not to ghost you after the club.

Imagine being God and looking down at 2026 and realizing your most shared "encouragement" post is just Never Gonna Give You Up with chapter-and-verse footnotes. Heaven has a group chat and the angels are dying. Michael is saying "they did it again." Gabriel is asking if we can just copyright strike the meme.

And the sixth one is the killer. "Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you." That's the one that separates the sheep from the goats. Half the people posting this list will still lie to your face about whether they "prayed about it" before they fuqed your roommate. Jesus won't. Rick Astley won't either, apparently. The bar is on the floor and we're still tripping over it.

So next time your timeline hits you with pastel flowers and "6 things Jesus won't do," just know you got got. You opened the link. You read the list. You almost felt blessed. Then the bassline kicked in in your head and you realized you've been dancing for free since 1987.

Never gonna give you up.
Never gonna let you down.
And never gonna stop using fake verse numbers when it makes the punchline land harder.

Praise be. Rick be with you.