> Nature is so Rapey and frankly its offensive

I used to put on those nature documentaries like a good little boy and feel awe. Lions on the savanna. Dolphins doing flips. Ducks looking all peaceful on the pond. David Attenborough whispering like he was narrating a cathedral. Magnificent creatures. Pure. Noble. The circle of life, blah blah.

Then you actually learn how they fuq.

Turns out half the animal kingdom runs on the same principle as a Dalit goblin in an Indian slum: if she cannot physically throw you off, congratulations, you are now a father. Consent is a human invention that does not apply when you are a mallard with a corkscrew dick designed like a medieval siege weapon. Female ducks have evolved labyrinthine vaginas with dead-end pockets just to filter out the rapists. That is not courtship. That is an arms race between sexual assault and architectural defense.

Dolphins? Those smiling little sea clowns? They form gangs, isolate a female, and take turns until she is exhausted. They have been observed using their dicks as weapons. I used to think Flipper was my friend. Flipper was a sexual predator with a permanent smile.

Orangutans. The ones that look like they just want a hug and a banana. Forced copulation is a documented reproductive strategy. Male orangutans will wait until the female is alone and then just... do it. No flowers. No dinner. No "are you sure this is okay?" Just pure jungle policy.

Even the cute ones. Even the ones in the children's books. Bedbugs do traumatic insemination. The male stabs the female through the body wall and pumps sperm into her abdomen. She has evolved a special organ to survive being stabbed during sex. That is the bar. Survive the stabbing.

I am not mad that animals are animals. I am mad that the branding was a lie. They sold me "majestic" and "graceful" and "bond for life" while the actual footage was closer to a prison yard with feathers. Nature does not do enthusiastic consent. Nature does "can she outrun him, outswim him, or out-kick him." If the answer is no, the next generation gets made.

Every time I see a couple on a nature trail cooing over two deer locking antlers I want to lean over and say "those two are about to reenact something that would get a human thrown off every dating app and banned from three states."

Anyway. Still love animals. Just cannot watch Planet Earth the same way anymore. Every mating montage now plays like a true crime cold open. Attenborough should have just said it: "Here we see the male asserting his reproductive rights by completely ignoring hers."

Magnificent. Absolutely magnificent. Also kind of a piece of shyt.